Before going into an adoption, many wish they had a few reality checks on what it would really be like.
INFERTILITY
One of the biggest reality checks is about how adoption does not cure infertility and the loss, grief and trauma it causes. You most likely will still long for the pregnancy feeling and being pregnant. If you are still deep in the grief of infertility, one adoptive mom had this advice: “I feel like it is so important for couples to come to terms with their infertility before seeking adoption. Of course, feelings will arise every so often but if you are still hung up with your infertility, it is not the right time to adopt!”
One adoptive mom said, “Life isn’t fair in like a million different ways for everyone and this was my taste of it. I never thought about adoption, as but as it turned out it was the only way for me to be a parent. I wish I would have known not to fear all the “what ifs” (what if I can’t love this child as much, what if open adoption is too confusing for the child, what if he wants to be with his birth instead of me). We have 3 adopted children and I’ve learned that I LOVE open adoption! I wish other knew that I’m not a ‘wonderful person’ for adopting these children. Their birth parents are the wonderful ones who places their trust in us to love these children enough and let our families grow in the best way we can.”
Everyone’s experience and how they handle their infertility will be different. One adoptive mom said, “I don’t think I yearned for pregnancy or to have a biological child so much as I just really wanted to be a mom. I didn’t pursue infertility treatments for very long because I legitimately was more interested in parenting than pregnancy. I think I went into adoption knowing that it wouldn’t cure my infertility. Between my child being drug affected and premature, as well as the trauma of being adopted and then losing her birth mom to cancer, I underestimated how different it would be to parent a traumatized, disabled child. There are times I wished I could just be her mom without all the adoption baggage. There are times I wish I could have been the one to carry her and give her everything she needed from day one. I yearned for an easier way to become a parent sometimes way more than I’ve ever yearned for pregnancy. The reality is that if I’d had a baby, it wouldn’t be this baby. It wouldn’t have made the family I have now. It wouldn’t have made me the mom that I am now. I would absolutely make the same decision all over again if I’d been given the chance. No question.”
The infertility club sadly has a lot of members. In the United States, one in eight couples are affected by infertility. One of the “members” of this club said, “Infertility sucks. We tried to get pregnant for 8 years plus. We did 5 IUI’s, 1 IVF and countless years of charting, acupuncture, natural remedies and hormones. I’ve never had a positive pregnancy test…ever. It’s something you never get over. The sadness gets better over the years but never goes away. We started the adoption process after our failed IVF. I knew it was time to stop trying. We did 6 months of classes then was chosen the day of our final home study. I know a lot of people don’t believe in meant to be or don’t like the term, but me personally, I believe our situation was. My daughter’s birth mom tells me all the time it was meant to be. We’ve both had too many weird coincidences and similarities. Do I still get sad because I could never experience pregnancy? Sure, I’m human. I just think about it differently now and look at my daughter and know I was never meant to get pregnant.”
Some advice others had to those struggling with infertility is, “Find a support system. Infertility has definitely opened my eyes to so many others who are struggling. I am very vocal about my infertility journey. I understand others don’t like to talk about it-and that’s fine too.”
Another said, “We initially got our foster care license because of infertility. After having 3 babies (after months of clomid, injections and other fertility meds) we decided again to foster. This time because for different reasons but kind of similar. Although now I feel like I’m less intense about everything. I have calmed down now and am just enjoying snuggling my babies and navigating the unknown waters of foster care.”
Something others may not know is that many birth mothers struggle with secondary infertility after placement. One birth mom said, “My body associates’ pregnancy with grief and trauma, I’ve had 3 miscarriages since placing. My husband and I have since decided children are not something we want to pursue as he has 3 from a previous marriage, and I have my one placed child-we have accepted it and decided we don’t need or want an “ours” baby. We are pouring all of our love into the children we have.”
Do those feelings ever go away?
Short answer, probably not. Getting proper therapy, a support group and acknowledging you have these feelings is helpful. One adoptive mom said, “I came to terms with infertility before we started the adoption process. I thought that I’d be alright, after adopting twice, about not having any feelings arise, but I was wrong. When my sister and sister-in-law both got pregnant after their own infertility struggles, I was sad, but was fine. It wasn’t until my sister had her little girl, I struggled with infertility feelings. She wanted me there for the birth, but I walked in about 10 minutes too late and seeing them together made me think my own infertility and then feeling guilt about adopting. I got over those feelings after a few days. I realized that adopting doesn’t take those feelings away, even if I came to terms to it and continue to be that way.”
You may be in a place where you feel at peace with your infertility and then life throws an unexpected wrench in your plans. One adoptive mom said after years of trying and fertility treatments, they took a break. “Over that break I became really at ease with my infertility and came to a good place with it. It took my husband longer, bit he got to the same place. We just knew that adoption, and later Foster Care, was how we were supposed to build our family. After that I washed my hands of infertility treatments and never intended to look back.
Infertility honestly didn’t bother me for years. I was at peace with it until I got pregnant unexpectedly and then miscarried. After that I felt like I had to go through the entire grieving process about it again. I am still not totally at peace with it, but I wouldn’t trade how my family is built for the world. I am so grateful for the honor of raising my sweet kiddos. I feel like I have learned so much more about loving people. I don’t even know how else to explain it, but it has taught me to really love people from where they are.”
There are losses and gains with infertility. One adoptive mom said, “The only thing I still wish I could experience is feeling a baby move and kick inside of me. That’s a loss I will never get over. However, I can’t even begin to list the blessings I’ve gained. My beautiful kids. A deep love for my kid’s first mom that doesn’t make sense to most people outside of the situation (two youngest came to use through foster care). Suffice it to say my life is much more beautifully complex than I ever could have imagined and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Many people assume that it is the woman that has infertility issues, which we know isn’t always true. Having these issues can also bring up more layers of things you are dealing with. One adoptive mom said, “We struggle with male infertility and it was really hard for me and even now is hard. We knew going in that our infertility wouldn’t be cured with adoption. As time has gone by, I have learned to cope with our infertility. It’s still hard when I see people celebrating pregnancies. I really struggle when my period is late my natural instinct is to think maybe I’m pregnant. That’s when I really struggle.my husband and I have had many arguments and sad discussions of him telling me that we should get divorced so I can have the opportunity to have a baby. I have told him I didn’t marry him for his sperm. Our struggles over many years have helped strengthen us together and help us to remember the bigger picture is something we don’t understand. I have gained much love and appreciation for adoption and our children’s birth families. I have learned to love listening to those that struggle with the same things that we do and am more empathetic because of it.”
One layer of infertility that many might not know about is when an adoptee struggles with infertility. One adoptee, now adoptive mom said this, “During my pregnancy something struck me that I was not prepared for. Being an adoptee from a closed adoption and not having any bio family or bio children prior, my child was going to be the first person in my entire life that I could look at and see myself. Literally the first person ever that I had a biological connection to. I didn’t realize how much that would impact me.”
When you fill out your paperwork, most agencies will give you a “checklist” to fill out. On this checklist there will be categories of things that you are willing to “accept” about a child you are hoping to adopt. We are going to go over just a few of those in this chapter. Please look at this as just a jumping off point and to do all the research you can on each of the “boxes” before you check them.
On the checklists, they have “races” that you are open to adopting. Full disclosure, I used to think that if you didn’t check each box, you were being racist. Now I look at it completely the opposite. As you will learn more in Chapter 4 about Transracial Adoption, there is a lot more than just loving a child that goes into parenting a child of a different race. One counselor said a good way to determine if you should consider adopting transracially is take some beads of different colors and assign a race to each of them. Put a bead in a jar of every person that the child would have close contact with: family, friends, teachers, coaches, hair dressers, neighbors, religious leaders, etc. If your jar is mostly one color, it may not be a good idea to have the child be “the only” in your community.
Another box on the checklist is if you are open to adopting a child with special needs. Special needs Is a term that can vary widely and for each condition, should be researched by you to honestly ask yourself if this is something you are capable of helping with for their entire lives. This is a very personal decision and only you can decide what is right for you and your family.
Each drug can/will affect a child differently. Read up on the short term and long-term effects of different drug exposures before checking that box. Make sure to include fetal alcohol syndrome on your list of topics to study. Again, with each of these boxes comes responsibility on your end to study and learn as much as you can before making this decision, and after it is made, continue to educate yourself so you can help your child on this lifelong journey.
