Siblings
What will that look like? Most likely an adoptee will have (birth) siblings at some point in their life. Will your child call them their brother or sister? My advice on this topic is that these kids didn’t get a choice in this situation and that doing all you can for them to have a healthy relationship will only benefit them in their lives. Kids love others without all the layers and complexities adults put onto relationships. If you make it their normal, it will be their normal. One adoptive mom said, “We take pictures every time my son sees his birth mom and biological siblings. It’s important to me that he has relationships with them, so I make the effort to have him visit on a regular basis”
Extended Birth Family
What is it like to have more grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to love your child? It’s awesome. I realize there are situations that make it so you are unable to have those relationships, but if you are able, I would highly encourage that you just make your family bigger and let more love in. It may not always be perfect and there will be ups and downs as you navigate this complicated relationship, but it can be done and it can be amazing.
Pictures
When you have any time with your child’s birth family, make sure to take lots of photos! Having your child take photos with their birth parents and/or siblings does not lessen your role as a parent. It validates that connection the child has to their birth family and will only be something they cherish later on. I have seen many relationships soured by the refusal to have a photo taken. Don’t make it bigger than it needs to be. One birth mom said, “I would love her to be in a family pic with us. I feel awkward trying to take a pic of her and my kids casually.” An adoptive mom said that, “One year for Mother’s Day I did a photoshoot for my daughter’s birth mom with all of her girls. It was the most beautiful thing and something we all cherish.”
Another birth mom talked about an event in their family where they were getting a family photo taken and their son’s adoptive mom said, “Go stand with them so we can get a full family picture. When I got into the car I wept. That sentence was the most meaningful thing she could have ever said to me. I cherish that photo.”
Events
When there are big events in life, like a wedding, take photos! Make sure you get some with just the child and their birth family. You can even do family photos with the child with their birth family. Again, it does not make you any less part of their life, it just shows your child you include their birth family as part of theirs. Having your child be a part of their wedding will be an amazing memory for them. Inviting their birth family to be a part of any event in their life should just become the normal. One birth mom said, “I wish I had pictures with my birth son. I asked his parents to have pictures taken, even in private, at my wedding. It was a hard NO. It’s something I wish so badly I had. Even 10 years later.”
Don’t just invite their birth parents and extended family to birthday parties either! Invite them to school and sports events too! Having more people to love your child will never be a bad thing for them. A birth mom said, “It makes you feel like you belong too. Our adoption has always been very different than most. I’m included in every major event. We always take pictures. One of my favorites was at the birth of our granddaughter. It does help lessen the trauma.”
The little things
Not only will you share the big things, but the little things as well. There won’t be a moment in their life that you will have where you won’t know that someone else will be missing it. Those shared “mind moments” happen all the time. In closed adoptions there will be so many unanswered questions and thoughts about their birth families and hurt that they are missing both the big and little thing in their lives. It’s ok to have bittersweet thoughts around these moments. If you do all you can to share things with their families, big and small, your heart will only grow to love them more.
One birth mom said, “Allow space for the evolution of the relationship. Like any relationship that grows and changes over time, so should your relationship with birth parents and family. Visitation schedules and pictures that applied when they were babies won’t (or shouldn’t) carry over to when they are toddler and then preteens to then teenagers. If you have set rules and boundaries at the beginning and enforce them until forever, your child and birth families will suffer and that relationship won’t evolve between them.
For example, my daughter’s parents set visitation for 3 times a year and pictures when she was a baby. They have stuck to that and she’s now 11. Which means the only time I talk to her is 3 times a year. There aren’t exception and so there is no room for her to want to grow a relationship with me or vice versa. I have been invited to one major event in her life. Technically yes, they are holding their end of the deal, but the goal should be to help cultivate relationships with her birth family and it isn’t possible when the evolution of the relationship has been stopped.” This was a text she sent below:
Online Persona
What you choose to share about your family and your adoption and with who will also vary with each situation. One thing to keep in mind is to not look at anyone else’s situation and think that they have a perfect relationship. What you see online is never the whole story. You don’t (and shouldn’t) share all the hard and raw parts of your adoption, just like you wouldn’t share the hard and raw parts of your marriage online. If you are in a rough patch in your adoption relationship, remember to not give up. Keep showing love, even if the other party is not responding. If they have asked for no contact or a break, show them love in other ways. Don’t be afraid to go to counseling to go over your situation and ask for help in what you should do. Try to have honest and respectful conversations with each other about feelings you may be having without getting defensive. This is like any important relationship you will ever have. You will need to continually work on it to keep it healthy.
Long Distance Relationships
What if their birth family does not live close by? One birth mother said these things were helpful to her, “The thing that helped me the most to build a relationship is one on one time with her adoptive mom before placement. Before placement we would just hang out as friends. Getting to know the whole family helped too. It helped build trust and I got to see them as real people. Now it helps to talk to her on the phone as I live in another state, so that is the biggest help right now. I get to talk to my daughter and see pictures and videos. Her mom created a secret group on Facebook that she posts lots of stuff from her phone every day and it has been nice for me and my whole family.”
Closed Adoptions
Unfortunately, not every adoption is open or as open as we would hope. What does that look like for a child who might never meet their biological family? One transracial adoptive mom shared, “although we do not know and will likely never know my son’s birth family, I feel like it’s important for us to share my son with folks that look like him who can give him a sense of belonging that I can’t. This way IF we were ever able to be reconnected to his birth family, he wouldn’t feel like such a fish out of water and would have some commonalities with them.” Another international adoptive mom said, “one of our children comes from an international orphan adoption, and although we have connected some with some of her siblings, we live far away and don’t connect as much. We believe that connecting her with other Latina teens is important.”
Relationships
We asked those that are living it what sharing forever looks like to them and this is what they said. “As a birth mom I know there are lots of more firsts in store as he enters his teens this fall. I’m super excited and nervous about it. I’m glad to know and have such a wonderful relationship with his parents that are, and have been, very good in sharing things always with me. I look forward to his future and that I’m included in as much as I can be.”
An adoptive mom said, “People often ask me how we can be so open with our children’s first families, and my answer is, one day at a time. To be honest, how can I NOT share my children’s lives with them, they shared their children with me first. Creating and cultivating those connections is one of my favorite things about our adoption stories. All of our children are God’s children, who has given us the opportunity to raise up to be loving and service-oriented humans. God is the ultimate example of sharing forever, and because I have been so blessed by His grace, I feel honored to share forever with my husband, my children and their first families.”
Why Sharing Forever is Important
Open communication between adoptive and birth parents helps adoptees gain a clearer understanding of their personal history and cultural
background. This connection can provide adoptees with a more complete sense of their identity, helping them integrate their adoption story into their self-concept.
When adoptive and birth parents maintain a respectful and open relationship, it can alleviate some of the adoptee’s feelings of abandonment or
rejection. Knowing that their birth parents made a considered choice and are part of their life, even indirectly, can provide a sense of reassurance and reduce feelings of being unwanted.
An open line of communication ensures that adoptive parents have access to important medical and genetic information from the birth parents. This is crucial for the adoptee’s health and well-being, as it can help in diagnosing and managing potential medical conditions or hereditary issues.
A positive relationship between adoptive and birth parents can provide emotional stability for the adoptee. When both sets of parents collaborate and show mutual respect, it creates a supportive environment where the adoptee feels valued and understood.
When adoptive and birth parents have a good relationship, it sets a precedent for open dialogue with the adoptee. This environment encourages adoptees to ask questions and express their feelings about their adoption experience without fear of causing conflict or discomfort.
Clear communication helps reduce confusion and uncertainty for the adoptee. It allows for transparent discussions about adoption-related issues, making it easier for the adoptee to process and understand their emotions and experiences.
A strong, respectful relationship between adoptive and birth parents can model healthy interpersonal dynamics for the adoptee. This can positively influence the adoptee’s own relationships and their approach to conflict resolution and communication.
In situations where adoptees experience major life changes or emotional challenges, having a cohesive support system involving both birth and
adoptive parents can provide crucial stability and understanding during these transitions.
A positive and open relationship between birth and adoptive parents can affirm to the adoptee that they are valued by all the significant adults in their life. It reinforces the idea that they are worthy of love and respect from both their birth and adoptive families.
Ongoing contact ensures that birth parents can share important medical and genetic information that might be relevant to the child’s health and well-being. This information can be crucial for managing hereditary conditions or understanding health risks.
When birth parents stay in touch, it can contribute to a more positive adoption narrative for the child. It shows that adoption is not only about loss but about creating a network of care and support that includes both birth and adoptive families.
Staying in touch with their child can help birth parents come to terms with their decision and process their emotions. It can provide some closure and allow them to see the positive outcomes of their choice, which can be an important part of their healing journey.
Maintaining open communication and a good relationship between adoptive and birth parents ultimately benefits the adoptee by fostering a supportive environment where they can thrive emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
Most of all, there is something to be said about genuinely loving your child’s parents. Not only will it benefit them, but it will benefit you. Loving
someone is not something you will ever regret doing.
