How to authentically build a profile and a life-long relationship in adoption
In this chapter we will go over tips on building an adoption profile. Keep in mind that these are only tips and if you feel you should do something differently, by all means do. These tips can be used for social media pages, agency pages, blog/website pages and printed profiles.
When building a profile, the most important thing is to be your authentic self. Being authentic requires vulnerability, transparency and integrity. Make sure you are in a place where you can do that before pursuing an adoption. You should NEVER, ever, lie about anything on your profile. Please don’t talk about having an open adoption if you have no intention of doing so.
PROFILE TIPS
Here are just a few ideas on how to create a more authentic profile.
Know your audience
First, you must know your audience. In more cases it is often the expectant mother reading the profiles, but sometimes the expectant father is involved. Most people believe that those who place are young teenagers, when in reality, the most common age of placing a child for adoption is 19 and the average age is 25*. Often times young teenagers have their parents supporting them parenting. Once they reach adulthood, those choices often fall on them. With that in mind, let’s start building your profile!
Profile Picture
When choosing a profile photo for social media page, agency page or other matching site, keep these tips in mind. A colorful photo will draw the eye. Use a close-up photo so they can clearly see your face. If possible, use a professional photo that shows your personality, life and family. Use only one image-no collages. The photo space is too small and one image can make an impact. You can add your tag line to your photo or in the caption (more on tag-lines on the next page). Change your profile photo often. You never know which one will draw someone’s eye!
Tag Line
A tag line or caption is often used with the profile photo. You need to be able to catch someone’s attention and tell them about you in very few words. While reviewing hundreds of profiles, I have often seen the same generic ones used that don’t make your family stand out. Some of those have been, “We can’t wait for our greatest adventure to start!” “We are a loving couple who want nothing more than to raise a child.” “We have so much love to give and are hoping to grow our family.” While there is nothing wrong with these statements, there is nothing unique or memorable about them either. Instead, here are some exercises you can do to write a great tag line.
20 words
To start, write down 20 words that describe you, you and your spouse or your family. Think about your passions, quirks, traditions, hobbies, nicknames, family mottos and personality traits. You can also add in your favorite books, quotes, things, smells, sights and sounds. Using sensory words is very memorable. For example, instead of saying you love the beach, say you love listening to the crashing waves at the beach or smelling the salty sea air. After writing these words down, replace any generic words or words that apply to most people. For example, instead of saying you love Disneyland, you can tell them about your favorite part of Disneyland like “I love watching people ride the Tower of Terror for the first time and eating ice cream on Main Street for dinner.”
If I were to write a tagline for myself, I would say “Advocate, Pottermore, {evil} cat, Evermore, Ben & Jerry’s, Vive la France, streaming Netflix, always dance.” These fifteen words tell you more about me than the generic examples above that are about the same number of words.” Use these words to help write your tagline and also use them for future social media or blog posts.
T-shirt test
Would you put this on a t-shirt to describe you?
Example, a t-shirt I own says, “On a scale of 1 to 10 how obsessed am I with Harry Potter?
9 ¾”
This gives my audience more insight into my personality and likes than generic statements.
Post ideas
You can use these ideas to write social media posts, blog posts, further information on your agency profile, etc. If you create a social media page about you hoping to adopt, it is recommended that you post once a day. This is important for your posts to show up on feeds, keep you top of mind with your family and friends and gives expectant parents more of an authentic insight into who you are. Posting once a day may sound like a lot, but here are tons of ideas that will give you hundreds of posts.
Use your tag line words as writing prompts. Make sure to include a picture. Ask a question to promote engagement. Make a short reel for even more engagement.
Hoping to Adopt 60 Day Challenge
Do the #hopingtoadopt60days challenge. Search the hashtag and find graphics that each have 60 writing prompt ideas for posts. Use the hashtag along with other popular hashtags with your posts. (see table below). The reason I used a 60-day challenge is after you can get your posts printed in small albums from companies like Chatbooks and use them to give to expectant parents to help get to know you better when they have contacted you. These are a great way to show your real life and real interests.
#hopingtoadopt60days ideas
1. Us 2. View outside our door 3. Siblings 4. Real life 5. Favorite color 6. Talents 7. Best gift ever given 8. Biggest Fear 9. Our favorite place in town 10. Home cooked meal 11. Favorite board/card game 12. Favorite vacation 13. Favorite breakfast food 14. Makes you laugh 15. Favorite fast food chain 16. Guilty pleasure 17. Favorite book (YA/adult) 18. Favorite band/singer 19. Hero 20. Job
#hopingtoadopt60days ideas
21. Best friend 22. Favorite sport/team 23. Our family 24. My ride 25. I believe… 26. Favorite movie 27. My collection 28. Favorite smell 29. Favorite shoes 30. Animal most like you 31. Favorite holiday 32. In my fridge… 33. Favorite drink 34. Tradition 35. Nickname 36. Favorite genre of music 37. Dealbreaker 38. Favorite sound 39. Favorite zoo animal 40. Favorite dessert
#hopingtoadopt60days ideas
41. Favorite childhood memory 42. Who I would want to meet 43. Pet peeve 44. Favorite genre of food 45. Favorite author 46. What object I’d rescue in a fire 47. Introvert/extrovert? 48. I want to visit… 49. My person 50. Favorite TV show 51. I admire… 52. Superpower you would choose 53. #1 on your bucket list 54. When I grow up… 55. Marvel or Star Wars? 56. Hardest thing you’ve done 57. Favorite children’s book 58. Favorite pet 59. Quirks 60. I wish…
Letter
Often times on an agency page, profile page or website, hopeful adoptive parents write a “letter” to expectant parents. Here are just a few tips. Don’t start your letter with “Dear Birth Mom,” – for one, they are not a birth mom until after placement and it also assumes that only the birth mom will be reading the letter. Don’t start with negativity. Many profiles I have read start by saying something about the hard choices the expectant mom is dealing witn lhey already know they are in a tough place; you don’t need to remind them. Instead, focus on telling them about you and your awesomeness. If you ralk about your infertility, make it brief. And one more big one that is super important, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is what connects us as people.
LETTER PROMPTS
1. Favorite activities/hobbies as a child 2. Favorite activities to do alone/together 3. Love languages/show and receive 4. Favorite things to learn about 5. Big moments in your life 6. What do you want to be remembered for? 7. Go-to music/playlists 8. Personality Traits
LETTER PROMPTS
9. Favorite tastes/scents/sights/sounds 10. Beliefs 11. Guilty Pleasures 12. What brings you comfort/calm 13. Ways you deal with stress 14. Favorite books/movies/tv shows 15. Music from your childhood 16. Special talents
Take a trip
Take your readers on a trip with you. Answer the who, when, where, how and why. Answer what you felt, saw, heard, tasted or smelled. Teach them something new you learned or the coolest thing you saw. For example, don’t just say you love the beach. Instead, say you love “the salty sea air”, or “listening to the crashing waves.”
Making Generic Unique
Take anything that most people love and make it unique to you. Think of the “How do you eat your Reese’s” campaign. Instead of saying, “We love Disneyland,” talk about your favorite ride. “We love watching singing the theme song through the caves of India Jones and pretending we are scared when the boulder comes to almost crush us!”
Adjective posts
Look up a list of adjectives and use those to spark writing prompts for posts. For example, “delicious”. Write about the most delicious thing you have ever ate and who was with you when you ate it.
Show the real you
Post about your quirks, work, education, home life, kids, family, and personality. Have your close family and friends write posts about your family so they can read it from another’s point of view.
Share adoption related materials
Share movies, documentaries, books, and tv shows about adoption with your family and friends. Here are a few movies/documentaries I would recommend: Closure, Philomena, Twinsters, Somewhere in Between, One Child Nation, Lion, Removed, Stuck, and This is Us. Find stories from those in the triad to share on your pages to help educate yourself and your family and friends.
Use pictures
Use pictures with every post to engage your audience. The more real photos you have, the better. People want to see real life, not stock photos.
VIDEOS
When making an intro video for your profile, here are a few tips.
Keep it short. People have a very short attention span, so less than 60 seconds is ideal.
Show real life and laughter.
If you can, have it professionally done. If funds are short, you can find someone who may need to build their portfolio and could get it for free or at a discount. You can also use your phone to make your own. There are great video editing apps out there.
When making other videos, reels, stories for your social media page, use the tips above to create unique and engaging videos.
Dealbreakers
Let’s talk about dealbreakers. What are things that are so important to you that will never change (i.e. core values)? Talk be afraid to talk about religion, politics, social issues, and discipline. Don’t be afraid to polarize-people will appreciate your honesty. Think about when you have seen a dating profile-are there things on there that immediately make you swipe left or right? That is what you want to happen with your profile, You aren’t looking to match with every expectant parent, you are looking to match with the one that is drawn to your authentic self.
What not to do:
• Don’t just post your profile link and have people share it. Use your posts to educate family and friends. • Don’t use social media for venting. Instead, call a friend or family member or write in your journal.
ABSOLUTELY NO SOLICITING.
Never private message an expectant parent. Never post your profile unsolicited in groups. Never message a birth mom asking her to spread the word (just because she placed a child, does not mean she knows others who will. This is very traumatizing to birth moms when hopeful adoptive parents do this). This next one I wish I didn’t need to say, but it happens so often I need to. Never, ever, ever as someone for their baby.
Examples of what not to do:
I have seen this countless times, but here is an example of something I saw on a Facebook group. A grandmother posted, “Where is an honest place to go in Utah if you are thinking about giving a baby up for adoption? My daughter’s heart is breaking, but she’s so young. This is a new area for me – I really don’t know where to start.” Here are some real responses this grandmother got in the comments. Keep in mind reading these she was asking for resources to help her daughter, NOT profiles.
“I know 3 who cannot have babies and really can’t afford adoption. There are tons of families who want babies. My sister can’t have kids after an emergency c-section….” By sharing these personal stories of her family members, this comment is very coercive.
“My sister has considering adopting a baby. Especially a boy because she has 2 girls. Do you know the gender?” Just gross honestly.
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“I would take it. I have adopted 2 kids.” Take it? Like it’s a stray animal or something?
“We are hoping to adopt again. We have a 4-year-old girl who prays every day for a sibling…” Using a child to pull at their emotions is very coercive.“We want a baby but my body can not have any…” Using your infertility to prey on their emotions is also coercive.
“My brother and sister-in-law would make the best parents, but unfortunately they cannot have their own baby.” Own baby? Othering a child before they are even adopted is a big no, no. Children are not possessions.
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Fortunately, there were some really great responses. Those included, “Is this something your daughter wants?” “I feel like she is being bombarded. I don’t think she was asking for couple’s who are looking to adopt.” “Please don’t post your profiles. She’s asking for resources.” “What she does not need is to feel like people only care because they want her child. Show empathy if you were in her shoes. If you don’t have recommendations for support groups or adoption services, don’t’ comment.”
The best thing you can do when you see posts like this is offer resources and support, not guilt and emotional manipulation.
O
SCAMMERS
Sadly, there are adoption scammers out there, especially on social media. There are some red flags to look for, but keep in mind that an expectant mom may check every red flag and may not be a scammer. Here are just a few:
Twins
For some reason scammers think adoptive couples want twins. Make sure to reverse google search any ultrasound photo you are sent. For some reason, many of them use the first one that pops up on google. Ultrasound photos can be easily photoshopped. If they delay or refuse to send proof of pregnancy, they may be a scammer.
Drama
Emotional scammers thrive on drama. They will have a lot of “health problems, deaths, cancer, etc.” Demanding secrecy is a red flag in any relationship. If they are giving you very intimate details very quickly and trying to get you emotionally invested right off, they may be a scammer.
International
If anyone contacts you from another country to adopt their baby, that is a scam and IS NOT LEGAL. You cannot do a private adoption internationally. Look up the story of Jennifer Talbot. She “met” a teen mother in the Philippines online and attempted to bring back the six-day old baby to the United States illegally. She now is facing life in prison in the Philippines after being arrested for kidnapping.
Camera Shy
If they refuse to meet in person or do a video chat, they may be a scammer.
Adoption Savy
If they know a lot about how the adoption process works, especially financially, they may be a scammer. Using common adoption quotes may be a red flag, “If I loved them any less, I’d keep them.” “It’s such a selfless act of love.”
Under the Table
If they don’t want to go through proper channels for things that cost money, they may be a scammer.
Profile is SUS
If their profile doesn’t have a lot of friends or interaction, they may be a scammer. Check to see if all their pictures look like them. Often times they use pictures from multiple people.
Connection
If they want to be very connected prior to placement, but talk about closing the adoption after placement, they may be a scammer.
Money
If they ask for money very quickly in any way, they may be a scammer.
Quick Connection
If they are asking you to parent their baby after one messaging session, they may be a scammer.
Pants on Fire
Many emotional scammers are talking to multiple families and often will get caught lying and not being able to keep details straight. Due dates will change, details in stories don’t add up. If you catch them them lying often or about big things, they may be a scammer.
So what can you do? Be proactive, but open. Don’t assume everyone is a scammer if they hit any of these red flags, but you can do the following:
• Search email address; search their email address/name + scam on google and Facebook. Many scammers are serial scammers (look up the adoption scammer Gabby on the Dr. Phil show-she most likely is still scamming).
• Search phone number on google and social media
• Talk to those in the community. If something seems off, message a case worker or the group administrator.
• Join adoption scammer groups and search in there for their name.
