When we asked adoptees what they wish their birth parents knew, here are just a few topics that they touched on:
RELATIONSHIPS
They want a relationship with their birth parents/ex-tended family. Biological ties are important and if you are able, they want to have those connections. Sometimes it isn’t possible to have safe relationships with birth parents, but it is with extended family. Keeping ties to their biological family is essential.
HEALTH HISTORY
Many adoptees want to know their health history for obvious reasons. Knowing about possible health issues is something they have a right to know about. They also want to know who their birth fathers are. There may be safety reasons for not disclosing this information, but it is still their right to know their history. These truths can be given at age-appropriate times.
TO BE SEEN
Those who were adopted do not want to be a secret. They don’t want to feel that their life is shameful. They are part of you and want to be seen that way.
LOVED SO MUCH
These words are often used to describe why a child was placed for adoption. Many see this as a way to ease the pain and guilt for the parents involved and give the child positive feelings around their adoption. One adoptee said, “when adoptees hear this, this becomes our first lesson in love. We learn when someone really loves us, they leave-they abandon us. It’s no wonder so many adult adoptees struggle so much with interpersonal relationships when our entire blueprint for what love is supposed to look like is so broken and traumatic.” They want birth parents to own up to their decisions and life choices, even if it is hard to do so.
When asked what their adoptive parents have done that was helpful or what they wish they would have done, this is what some adoptees talked about:
TALK ABOUT IT FROM DAY ONE
Never keep the reality that your child is adopted a secret from them or wait until they are older to tell them. They should never have the memory of learning they are adopted. When you make it their normal, that’s just what it becomes, their normal. When adults hide things, it signals to the child that somehow it is shameful. There are harder parts of an adoption story that may need to wait until the child/teen is older, but a good rule we like to follow is that if the child is old enough to ask about something, they are old enough to learn the answers. You don’t need to sugarcoat their story or make it a fictional story. Don’t let your insecurities/infertility issues and grief become a part of their story. (More on this in Chapter 2)
SUPPORT
Surround your children with those in the adoption community so they may be able to have people to relate to in their journey. They will also need counseling/therapy in their lifetime, most likely throughout their life, so make sure to find adoption competent therapists in your area early on (more on this topic in Chapter 12. Adoption trauma is real and manifests differently in each person, so validating that it is real and can affect their life is essential. It doesn’t matter if they were adopted as an infant or as a young child, there WILL be affects from trauma. (More on trauma in Chapters 8 and 10.) No matter how much you love your child and they love you, they can still have feelings of abandonment.
BE RESPECTFUL OF THEIR BIRTH FAMILY
Never talk negatively about their birth family. Even if parts of their story are hard or negative, you can always find something positive and truthful to say. Just remember, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Your views about their biological family will reflect on them so make sure it reflects the good you see in them!
REUNION
If your adoption is closed, make sure to support them through any steps they want to take to reunite with their birth family. When they feel they need to find them, it isn’t about loving you less. It is about them needing something that you are unable to provide. It is important that as a family you get therapy as you go through this process. Reunion should be focused on the adoptees needs. You need to support them in the ways they need and not make them feel guilty in any way about them wanting contact with their biological family. Encourage them to find their birth family if that is what they want. You can tell them, “Whenever you are ready to find your birth parents, we are here to support you and to help you in any way that we can.” Let them know that YOU WILL BE OK. Words have power. Give them the power and permission they need to do what they need to do. If reunion does not go as they hoped, you need to be there to support them and love them through that as well.
TRANS RACIAL ADOPTION
We will talk about this in more depth in Chapter 4, but know that if you are going to adopt transracially you need to be prepared to learn new things (hair, skin, culture, language, etc.) and be prepared to lose family and friends because you need to choose your child and their safety (emotional and physical) first. If you adopt from a different country, it is very important to take them back many times in their lives to keep that connection to culture, language and identity.
OTHERING
There is a balance with talking about your child being adopted and othering them. Be protective of their story and who you share it with. No one has a right to know their story, especially strangers who are just being nosey. Let your child be the author of their own story and who they share it with. Don’t let your words and ideas mold their story.
It’s always important to remember that there’s not a single adoption that isn’t complex. – Angela Tucker, adoptee
When we asked birth parents what they wish adoptees knew and here are some things they said:
LOVE
They love you. They think about you every day. They wish you were with them. They want to be a part of your life. You are a priority. You are enough and were enough. They want to be a part of your life.
DECISION
It was not made lightly. It was a decision that was about more than one person. A birth mother said, “I did it both for your benefit and my benefit.” Many shared they were not ready or able to give the child what they needed or deserved at that time in their lives. Some years later would have been able to. Some never would have been. Many used it as a turning point in their lives and were able to be at places that were more stable and healthy years later. One birth mother shared, “I wish I was in a better place when you came along. I wish I was ready. But that’s my fault, not yours.” There is a lot of shame, guilt and sorrow that comes from the decision to place a child for adoption. Each story is different. The best thing you can do as an adoptive parent is not judge them where they are at, but love them instead. If you spend your time judging people, you won’t have time to love them.
REGRET
Many birth parents regret their decision to place their child for adoption. Often looking back, they felt coerced in different ways. One birth mother said, “I’m sorry and I wish you were with me. I wish I had the courage to make it work and didn’t listen to everyone around me telling me I couldn’t do it. I love you, I’m proud of you, and I wish I could know you.” Regretting their decision to place is not the same as regretting choosing you to parent their child. If you hear them talk about their regrets, try not to take it personally and instead, validate their pain around their decision. Treat your child’s birth family like family, because they are.
When birth parents were asked what they wished adoptive parents knew, these insights came up:
RELATIONSHIPS
They not only want a relationship with their child, but with you. They chose you to be their child’s parent and that should mean a lot to you. They trusted you with a part of them. Do all you can to create a healthy relationship and it will only benefit you and your child. They only have the child’s best interests at heart and who better to give your child more love than those that gave them life? Don’t make the relationship an obligation, a “picture each month” update, but rather, a genuine extension of your family.
EDUCATION
They want adoptive parents to be involved in the adoption community, provide situations where their child is among those who are also adopted and stay educated on trauma and methods to help in those situations.
FEAR
Many birth mothers expressed their constant fear that even if they have a good relationship, one day it could be taken away. Do all you can to reassure them that you are all in this for the long haul. You are family now and that can’t be taken away. One birth mother said, “What you do and say has an impact on us. It sucks when we trust you with our whole world and you take advantage of that.”
GRATITUDE
You need to know that they are grateful for the love that you give their child. Can you imagine having that part of your heart being cared for by someone else? They appreciate you including them in not only milestones, but everyday parts of their child’s life. Share the good and the bad, the amazing and the hard. Healthy communication is key in an open adoption.
TRUST
We trust you and the decisions you make for our child. We hope you trust us and our family in return to love and respect you and your family.
FAMILY
Please don’t exclude our extended family from your family. Who doesn’t want more grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to love on your child and cheer them on throughout their lives?
We asked birth parents what they wish they would have known before placement when choosing a family? What questions would they have asked? What things did they look for and what things do they wish they would have looked for or asked for?
OPEN ADOPTION
Open adoption means different things to different people, so make sure you are very clear in what it means to you. Does it mean sending pictures and letters? Does it mean making them a part of your everyday life and family? What do birthdays look like? Don’t promise a relationship that you aren’t ready to have or aren’t planning to have. A dear birth mom friend of mine was promised an open adoption. Just a year later she was told they would take legal action if she tried to contact them again. She was completely lied to about what kind of relationship that they wanted and was told they said they wanted an open adoption, “to make her feel better.” We will go over more of this in Chapter 5, but please be honest about what you are able to do before promising the world.
INFERTILITY
Have you dealt with the grief of your infertility? Are you getting counseling for it? Adoption does not cure infertility. It only “cures” childlessness. They need to know that you are getting the help you need so you can be a healthy parent for their child and a healthy person for yourself.
SIBLINGS
What will the relationship look like between your child and their biological siblings? What will they call them? We will go over more on this topic in Chapter 9. Siblings will be an important part of their lives and not validating those ties will not only hurt your child, but their siblings as well.
PERFECTION
We are not looking for perfection. We are looking for someone who will love our child and give to them what we cannot at this time. We are not here to judge you as we hope you are not judging us. Please know that we will make mistakes, both of us, and we will grow together. Be honest in who you are. (More on this in Chapter 5). Many wish they were able to spend more time with the couple/family before placement so they could build a better relationship with them. Others feel it would have felt more coercive to become so close.
Some birth mothers shared with us what they wish they would have known or did before starting the adoption process and this is what they said:
PHYSICAL EFFECTS
“If someone had told me ten years ago how much placing would affect my ability to parent my own children later, I don’t know if I would have placed.” We will go more of this topic in Chapter 8, but know that many birth parents suffer from anxiety, depression, PTDS, secondary infertility and more after placement.
PREGNANCY
“I wish someone had told me to enjoy my pregnancy more, or try to, because he deserved that.” Others wished they would have taken more pictures, videos, journaled more and celebrated their pregnancy just like everyone else gets to. Trust yourself and your own instincts on what is best for you and your child. There will be a lot of different voices out there giving their input and advice, but only you have to live with your decision, so make sure it is one you can live with.
PEOPLE LIE.
Sadly, there are so many situations where adoptive parents lie to the birth parents about what kind of relationship they will have in the future with their child. This often leads to the birth parents regretting placing with them, which is beyond valid. One birth mom said, “I wish I would have understood a human’s capacity to be selfish. I wish I had understood the lifelong sorrow that would come from placing . . . and just how destructive that could become. I wish I never placed her.” Please don’t be that adoptive parent that causes so much sorrow to another human being.
SUPPORT
Many wish they had more support during their pregnancy. Whether it is a support group, counselors, friends, family, they want to feel supported in whatever decision they make. They need to talk to other birth parents to hear the realities of placing a child for adoption, even the hard parts. Pre-placement therapy is essential to all mothers considering an adoption plan. One birth mother looked back decades later and had this advice for herself, “I felt at the time that I somehow had to give up my hopes for myself if I wanted God to watch over her. I was so wrong. I wish I could go back and tell myself how much of God’s love I would feel in the weeks months and years following placement, and how much help and love I felt when grieving so much for my loss, how good I would feel about what I had done, how much other people, including my future husband would honor me for my choice, how much my future children would learn about love and sacrifice and commitment to God from my choice, and how good and truly happy life was going to be. I wish I could tell myself how good it was going to feel to be reunited with her 18 years later, knowing I had done everything I could possibly do for her, and how much I was going to come to love her adoptive mother – my gratitude grew so much as the years went by, for the gift she gave to me of a prepared and loving mom for my child, her child.”
Infertility is often the reason people look into adoption. We asked adoptive parents how it has impacted their adoption journey, what has helped, what they wish they would have known and what they wish others knew about infertility. Here is some of what they said:
ADOPTION IS NOT THE CURE
Adoption does not cure your infertility. You will still long for the pregnancy feeling and to be pregnant.
EMPATHY
Infertility can open your eyes to how many others are struggling with it. Sharing about it can help you not feel as alone on this journey.
NOT SPECIAL
When people hear that you adopted a child, they celebrate that part of you. We aren’t better or different than any other parent that loves their child. If we put people on pedestals, they are sure to fall. Adoptive parents don’t want to be praised for adopting a child.
We asked adoptive parents what they wish birth parents knew and they said:
RELATIONSHIPS
Your child wants you in their life. They miss you. We miss you. We think about you every single day and hope that you want to be a part of our lives. There isn’t a moment that happens in their life that you aren’t also in our thoughts and we are sad you are missing those moments. These children are constant physical reminders of you, so we think about you often. If you are able to have a relationship with your child and their family, please do. They need you. They talk and ask about you often. We love you and pray for you. We are cheering for you!
TRUST
We hope that you trust us to raise this child in the best way we can. We are grateful that you chose us to do so. Please put our child’s interests and needs first.
When asked about what advice they have for hopeful adoptive parents, this is what they said:
JUST ADOPT
It isn’t an easy process to “just adopt”. The hardest part isn’t the wait. The hard parts will continue throughout your life, so get ready for the roller coaster you are about to get on. Adopting a baby isn’t easier that giving birth. It comes with its own growing pains and trials for many years to come. Not every situation is the right one for your family, so don’t feel pressure to say yes to the first one that comes to you. This is a lifelong commitment so it needs to be treated as such. Once you adopt, it will not magically make you happy. The insecurities you have will only be magnified if you don’t get proper therapy for them.
EDUCATION & SUPPORT
Read and listen to everything you can. Listen to adoptee voices especially! Surround yourself however you can (whether in person, through reading, online support groups, etc.) with the adoption community. You will need them! Be prepared to develop some thick skin. You will need it! Reading this book is a great first step! Always keep learning. When we know better, we do better.
ETHICS & COERSION
Trust your gut. If it doesn’t seem ethical, it probably isn’t. Getting a child isn’t worth answering hard questions later on how you got that child unethically. There will be more on this in Chapter 6. Adoption is not “saving a child.” Words matter and adoptive parents adopt to grow their family.
Our last question for this chapter is about what adoptive parents wish adoptees knew and here is just a little of that insight:
REFLECTION
We are just like any other parent and wonder if we are doing it right and hope that we are. We hope that you feel loved, adored and wanted each day. We know that we can’t ever fill that hole that placement made, but want to be your safe place always. We want to hear the hard stuff about adoption because we want to be there for you in any hard part of your life. We didn’t have any clue how hard adoption would be, but we have grown because of it and are so happy you are in our lives. There is a lot of guilt and extra pressure put on adoptive parents to be perfect, but we
recognize the same can be said for adoptees. (We will go over more on this topic in Chapter 8.)
EDUCATION
Many adoptive parents wish they would have known about several topics before placement, which we will touch on throughout this book. Some of those include the primal wound, proper adoption
language/terms, coercive practices, ethical and unethical practices, transracial adoption topics, post adoption depression, types of adoption (infant, foster, international, etc,), adoptee loss, grief with infertility and much more. Adoptive parents that continue to educate themselves throughout the
adoptee’s life will only benefit from that education and help the adoptee as well.
A full understanding of adoption cannot be had without
listening to adoptees first-hand perspectives. – Angela Tucker, adoptee
Before entering the adoption community, there were many terms I was unaware of and many that I for sure had heard, but found out why we use or don’t use them by listening to those in the community, especially adoptees. Here are a few examples: